My lesbian secret makes teenage life dreadful. Whom should I tell?
Next week: My partner and his ex-wife swoop porn emails and have telephone sexI'm a 13-year-old girl who attends a single-sex grammar school. For almost a year now I have known that I am a lesbian. I have told no one about it.
It makes me very uncomfortable when people laugh at homosexuals. My friends, I think, suspect. This secrecy is a constant source of anxiety to me. Added to the normal pressures of being a teenager, it makes life almost unbearable, and living with me must also be almost unbearable as it makes me very emotional.
I would like to be open about this, but I am worried about how people will react. Should I acknowledge my homosexuality openly or confide only in my closest friends for the moment? Or should I tell no one?
I live in quite a small town and I doubt it can be kept a secret from everyone for long. What do you think I should do?
It's OK, you're normal
Has any girl ever gone through her hormone-packed teenage years in the unnatural atmosphere of a single-sex grammar school without strong lesbian feelings? Between the wars, we girls had never heard of lesbianism, but we sure experienced it. It was called "having a pash", short for "passion", and I still vividly remember the sexual electricity involved, not to mention the tears.
I do feel for you young things today who are so pressurised by public attitudes to sex - especially those of your peer group - that you have to bottle up your feelings and put little secret labels on them. Unaware of the nature of what was happening to us, or of any taboos around it (apart from an implanted fear of the unknown opposite sex), we could talk freely to each other, so we knew we were all in the same boat. Whatever front they put up, are you sure you and your friends are not?
It's worth remembering that when we left this skewed sexual hothouse for the real world, we sorted ourselves out along the whole gamut from wild heterosexuality, through marriage, then sex (in that order in those days), to cheerful bisexuality and all the way to lifelong lesbianism in pairs then thought of just as "best friends sensibly sharing expenses". At 13, it would have been impossible to tell which of us would be which.
So cheer up. Whichever you are, you're normal.
Hilary Semmens, Weston-super-Mare
Confide in a close friend
I am 13 and I also go to a single-sex grammar school. My best friend, I suspect, may be a lesbian but I can't be sure. I think that you should confide in your closest friends. That's what I would do, although you would need a lot of courage. If your friends tell everybody, they aren't what I would call close. If this happens, laugh it off and reply that you were only joking. Good luck!
Name and address withheld
Live life as it comes
Please don't feel that you are fixed in these feelings for the rest of your life. It is quite a normal part of growing up to find you love people of your own sex.
I was at a girls' school in the 40s and had several "crushes" on teachers and other girls - as did many others.
The dangerous thing today, both for girls and boys, is that they are cornered into feeling "this is it" for the rest of their lives.
Just relax about your feelings, live life as it comes and enjoy all that lies ahead of you.
Name and address withheld
Tell someone you trust
I know how you feel. I am a 16-year-old in the same situation. I think that if you let yourself worry about this too much it will spoil your life. For a start, why do you think you're gay? If you've got a crush on one female, you're probably just normal. Apparently lots of people go through it. I'm not trying to patronise you by saying this, but you need to be sure if you want to come out, because a lot of people will definitely tell you that you're "too young" or that you should not worry.
You say you're worried about how people will react. When I came out about a year ago I only told my close friends, but it didn't bother them and they were mostly just interested. One of my friends is homophobic and, although she thinks it's unnatural to be gay, she doesn't hate me for it. We are still good friends. So I would tell someone you trust, which will be good for your peace of mind. Then you can decide whether or not you want to tell more people. You say you don't think you can keep it a secret from your community in general.
In that case, don't tell anyone you don't trust, and ask those people you do tell to keep quiet. Then you can decide how confident you are with your situation, and who else you should tell. I bet some people will react badly, and will still make insulting remarks about gays (which do really hurt, I know), but in general I found that most people are quite supportive if you don't make a big thing of it - and if you tell your friends you're definitely not interested in them! There are lots of us out there, so don't worry.
Elisabeth Darcy by email
Take your time
Don't think about coming out until, first, you are sure about your sexuality, second, you are relaxed and comfortable with it and, third, you have supportive people around you who have been through the same experience. You need to get to know other gay people and have a chance to talk about what's going on for you. Ring London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard on 020-7837 7324 and get the number of your local Gay Switchboard or Lesbian Line (these are also listed in the phone book and the back of magazines like Gay Times and Diva). Most cities and towns have groups to support people in your position, although you may have to travel. Your local line can tell you about these and also talk to you and give you support. When you are ready to come out about your sexuality, do it in your own good time, and start with people who you think will be sympathetic and supportive. Good luck!
M Christie, Nottingham
Choose your moment
I too am from a small town. When I was growing up it would have been inconceivable for any of my friends to have come out. Many years later one of them did. Of course I knew, but how I wish she could have told me when we were teenagers. On the other hand, five years after I left, my sister's best friend came out at the age of 13. He was received better than you could have imagined. There will always be people who will be cruel about any differences; this cannot be avoided, whatever your sexual orientation.
If you feel it is right, tell your closest female friends first and take it from there. However, your sexuality is a private matter and does not have to be placed on public view. If I were you, I would spend the next couple of years thinking about what you want to do with your life and building your confidence. You will know when the time is right. And if people cannot accept you, remember: it's their problem, not yours. I wish you happiness.
Polly, London
I have been in a relationship for five years. My partner has an ex-wife and they have a 19-year-old. They divorced 18 years ago. I have a 17-year-old. It's a committed relationship and nine months ago we bought a house. Recently I discovered that over a two-month period my partner had written and sent pornographic emails to his ex-wife and that she had been replying.
When I confronted him he said that it was "a game" they had both played and that he was neither in love with nor attracted to her. They also had phone sex. This broke the rules we'd made regarding fidelity and I was crushed. However, it did lead to an open admittance of our dissatisfactions, and some improvements were made.
Three months on from the discovery, I am plagued by paranoia and no longer trust or like my partner, though I seem unwilling to leave him. I also feel a new hatred for him - and for myself. How do you stay with someone and remain sane after something like this?
Private Lives appears every Friday. Each week we publish a letter to which readers are invited to respond. Replies, giving an account of your personal experience, should reach us by Thursday. Readers are also welcome to propose other problems, of around 300 words. Write to Private Lives, The Guardian, 119 Farringdon Road, London EC1R 3ER, fax 020 7239 9935, email private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments).
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